Sunday, January 10, 2010

Through the Looking Glass....

When I was younger, I struggled a lot with low self-esteem. If you knew me back then, I suppose it wasn't a big secret. I realize that all kids... adolescents... fight insecurity and the right to an identity. It doesn't matter if you're from a prairie city, or grew up on a farm, or in a booming metropolis... If you're from the North, or the South... East or West. Awkward teenagers run rampant around the world.

It has only been in the last ten years or so that I've really felt secure with who I am. It wasn't easy, but I really felt like I was OKAY. I took that strength and made the decision to test it out by taking a big leap and making a big move to an area I'd never visited, to work in a building that I'd never stepped foot in, and to face people that I'd never met before.

It hasn't taken very long for me to lose some of the confidence I brought with me. Or maybe I didn't have it to begin with. These last five months have really opened my eyes to how scary, frustrating and disappointing the world is when you don't have your security blanket to wrap around you.

I don't know what tomorrow brings -- and I hate not knowing. The personal and professional struggles are wearing me out, and sometimes I wonder if the sacrifices that I made to try something new were worth it. I've got some decisions to make in the next couple of months as I try to figure out if a second year down here is in the cards for me. I would never say that I regret any of the choices that I've made -- I think I needed all of this to make me truly realize that the awkward, shy and sensitive girl will always lurk somewhere inside, and help me appreciate the things that I once thought I "didn't need".

Find something good about each day you live. It'll help make time pass a little faster.


Jan Mader said...

I enjoyed reading your post Melanie. Believe me when I say that we've all bee where you are in terms of confidence.

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Anonymous said...

Hi Melanie. I still read your blog
regulary. I feel I've gotten to know you better. You are a wonderful, wonderful person and so
normal to feel the way you do. I think we all have our insecurities, no matter how old we are. It keeps us humble! Just hang in there for a few more months
and then come back "home" knowing
that the experience helped you "grow" - or perhaps you will
decide to stay another year.
Whatever your decision, you know we
all love you and always will.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Melanie!

Sounds like your experience is shaping you in a very profound way!
By pausing for this moment,you are allowing yourself the opportunity to understand more about who you are and what you need. We all need to do this, yet so many plow ahead with life on the assumption that it's their "lot", and never really choose what they want...
GOOD FOR YOU !!!!! :)
One of the most important things I've learned about myself, is to listen to my gut (or heart, if you prefer).
What does your heart say, Melanie?
Over the next while, try to listen to what your heart is telling you.

I believe that God has given us all gifts to share. We need to discover what our gifts are, so that we may share them,and in our turn, strengthen the "pillars of the world".
You have much to share, Melanie! You are a bright spot, where life looks dull....

Here's something that helps to center me, when I begin to feel lost in the world....

"The place God calls you to, is the place where your deep gladness
And the world’s deep hunger meet."
Frederick Buechner

Follow your heart, as it will lead you to who you are!

Love and blessings to you,