Two weeks from today I'll be headed home!!! YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!
I am so thankful, relieved and excited to see have this year almost over. I've been struggling with some mixed emotions for several weeks now, but as the day gets closer and closer, I'm finding myself feeling more relaxed and ready to move on. When I get see other people at work and we exchange the typical "How are you?", my response has been "Better with each passing day!"
As I pack up my stuff both here at the apartment, and at the school, I find myself reflecting back on my experience and shaking my head at the many many many ups and downs that I've had. Yes, there are lots of things that I am ready to put behind me. Being overwhlemed, confused, intimidated, conflicted and feeling completely out of my element on several occassions. Disappointing myself,and letting that disappointment drag me down. Feeling disappointed with others, and allowing that to drag down my impressions of them. Things have definitely not been easy in the last 10 months.
But they haven't been all negative, and I so I feel guilty for allowing those thoughts to cloud the good feelings I've had. I wasn't miserable when I met and spent time with people who have become good friends that I'm sad to say goodbye to. I've had opportunities to travel and do things I might not otherwise have done. I've challenged and reached beyond my comfortable limits -- and while I admit that I didn't always feel successful... I survived and I'm proud of myself for lasting this long.
Some have asked (repeatedly) why I'm going home. They can't quite understand. They figure it's because I'm homesick. I readily admit to that -- I've missed the people, places and routine that I once took forgranted. I've wondered if that makes me weak... I've been quickly reasurred that it makes me LUCKY!
I've made mistakes this year, and I wish I could go back and redo these things over again. I've doubted myself, I've scolded myself, and I've cried to myself. I've felt happy, sad, angry, exhausted, indifferent -- sometimes all in the same day! But, when I take a step back, I realize that I've needed to do this... to learn this BIG LESSON. To question my confidence, to feel isolated and upset. Why?
Because I know now that life is too short to not do the things that I WANT. It's too short to separate yourself from the people who I love and who love me back (unconditionally, too!) regardless of my faults and insecurities. It's too short to feel small and insignificant. It's too short to dwell on mistakes and wish for do-overs.
Life is too short to NOT be who you want to be, where you want to be.
I took a chance. I don't regret that. I tried something new. I've sown those "wild oats", or whatever they say.
And now I'm coming home. Love you all.